


Honestly, I'm Tired

by meesherbeans



Series: You Make Me Feel Human [13]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Comfort/Angst, F/M, Female Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 19:24:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3145781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meesherbeans/pseuds/meesherbeans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A deeper exploration of the discussion Shepard has with Liara on the Normandy after LOTSB, with Shepard actually letting go and showing her human side to a friend. A pretty heavy helping of Shenko sprinkled throughout.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is in two parts, and it's the exact same scene: the conversation Liara and Shepard have on the Normandy after Lair of the Shadow Broker. In my world, Shepard came back after a few missions and then invited her up. I yoinked most of the dialogue from the game itself, but then I embellished it. The tiny glimpse into Shepard actually sharing her feelings (especially if you choose the "I'm tired" option) really struck a chord with me and I thought there needed to be more...so I wrote more! I decided to write the conversation twice, one from each perspective. The first chapter is from Liara's point of view, the second chapter an insight into Shepard's mind.

Liara fidgeted and tugged her left sleeve down as the elevator silently glided upward. It was wonderful to be off the Shadow Broker's - no, wait,  _her_ ship. Shepard had to head off and do a few emergency things, as always, so it had been a few weeks since she'd seen her human friend last. The moment she was invited up, Liara took it. Anything to get off that ship, see some old friends, and drink some good wine. Shepard always did have good taste in wine.

The door slid open and Liara couldn't help a small smile as she saw some deep red liquid cascading into a glass. The stream was abruptly ended and Shepard turned around with that muted smile. It didn't really occur to her before, but Liara suddenly realized that she hadn't seen Shepard's trademark dazzling, borderline insane grin since the resurrection. That concerned her a bit. Shepard clomped over and wove the bottle in her hand with a slightly more genuine smile.

"Enjoy the tour?"

Liara nodded. "Yes. It's a beautiful ship." _Quick, think of something funny._ "I ran into Joker, he seemed happy to see me; although... he did ask if I'd 'embraced eternity' lately."

Shepard looked borderline embarrassed, borderline amused. "...Of _course_ he did."

"I think he means well, in his own way. What wine did you choose tonight?"

A short chuckle echoed in the rather bare quarters. "Yeah, he does. The wine? Ah, I managed to convince Chakwas to part with a pretty good one. I owe her another bottle of Serice Ice now, though. C'mon, sit down." Shepard put on a good face and trudged to sit on the couch in front of the small table, sitting and filling the second glass. "She says it's from 2165, apparently a good year for asari wines."

"That seems a bit young for an asari wine, but the Doctor does know her drink." Liara primly sat down - she didn't really know any other way to sit when in a dress - and grasped the glass stem. After a polite swirl and sniff, the asari had to admit...it _did_ smell remarkably delicious for a wine only 20 years in the aging. "It smells wonderful. I also spoke with Doctor Chakwas. I'm glad she's doing well."

The human sighed and sat back, glass between her hands. "Yeah, she keeps on kicking...and helps keep the rest of us kicking, too. So how have things been going on the ship? Find any good juicy bits?"

Juicy bits? Hmm. Liara tilted her head and took an experimental sip as she filtered through everything. There was just _so much_ information she learned every day...it was exhilarating. "Well, I discovered that Hackett ordered the Alliance to not take you in for questioning."

Shepard sat up with a start before settling down again."He did what?"

"Yes, permission was requested to take you in and question you as to your motives with Cerberus. Anderson sent a message assuring him that he trusted you, and so both men kept you from being detained." Liara was a bit surprised Shepard hadn't been told this already; that seemed like the kind of thing they could trust her with, Cerberus or no.

Her friend took a deep drink of the wine, grimacing as there was no doubt a trail of fire burning down her throat. Shepard never did remember to not treat wine like water or tea. Liara patted her back. "Well, guess it shouldn't surprise me that much. Those two are practically the only people I can trust in the Alliance these days. I'll have to thank them." Shepard paused. "Actually, they'd probably question how I got that information. Maybe I'll just...pretend to thank them."

That one managed to tease out a small laugh from her; Shepard was so good at making Liara laugh. The woman the galaxy knew as Commander Shepard was just as awkward and human as any other person she had ever met, once you got her alone. "So how are you doing, Shepard? I mean, really: not what you tell your squad to keep morale up."

Liara half expected a BS'd answer, but it was gratifying to see her friend actually consider the question before answering. A small bit of frustration wove through her voice, eyes glued to the glass she held. "Honestly, I'm tired. Tired of dealing with Cerberus, tired of the Council ignoring me, tired of..." Her voice caught on whatever she was about to say. "...My closest friends not believing me."

A raw, honest answer. Liara immediately knew who she was talking about, too. "Yes, I heard about what Kaidan said on Horizon. I'm sorry...but his shortsightedness doesn't diminish what you've accomplished. There wouldn't be a man, woman or child left on Horizon, if not for you."

"You know the worst part about it?" Shepard took a deep gulp of wine again, wincing. Liara faintly hoped she wouldn't become an alcoholic. Bitterness, nearly unchecked anger, laced through Shepard's voice. "Cerberus planted intel to _lure_ the Collectors there. Horizon was bait. Kaidan...was bait."

Liara didn't know they specifically _planted_ him there for that! The nerve of the Illusive Man! The best she could muster was a soothing, but still indignant, "Those bastards..."

She shrugged quietly, tracing the top of her wine glass with a finger. "They would've hit another world if we hadn't lured them there, but..." A deep sigh of regret. "I don't like it when people I care about get put in harm's way because of me. The Collectors almost abducted him, too." Her green eyes flicked back up, shrewdly watching Liara. "...Aren't you going to tell me not to work with them?"

Guilt flooded through Liara's body. This _was_ partially her fault. Sure, the Collectors and Cerberus still would have done all the horrible things they were doing, but she is the one who brought Shepard to them and dragged her friend into the fray because she couldn't let go. "What...can I say? I trust you. I know you'll stick to your beliefs, no matter what Cerberus wants."

Shepard nodded and gave her that muted smile again before actually sipping the wine this time. A quick glance to the glass - yep, already almost empty - and Liara decided now was a good a time as any to bring out her gift. "I brought you something."

Vibrant green eyes flickered up and the wine glass was quickly abandoned to the short table. Every time Shepard looked at someone - _really_ looked at them - it was disconcerting. Her eyes had always been intense in color, to the point that Liara was sure the woman had had gene modifications. She didn't seem like the type to spend money on frivolous stuff like that, however; perhaps her parents did it. Either way, even a small glance like this one could take someone by surprise. Those same eyes narrowed in concern when she didn't respond right away. "Is everything okay?"

Goddess! She was staring at Shepard again, wasn't she? It was made _very clear_ to her over two years ago that the woman had no interest in her and yet here Liara was. She shook her head and diverted her eyes to the bottle of wine on the table. "Everything's fine, I'm sorry. I was just reminded of something. Anyway, here you go." Her hand dug into the pouch on her hip and eventually met light, sharp metal; she pulled. A scorched, nearly destroyed set of dog tags hung from a new chain. Silence stilled the air. Liara's eyes shot over in concern...her friend hadn't said anything or moved in a few moments; very unlike her.

What she saw shook her to the core. Shepard's expression was completely unmasked: bright green eyes were filling with - no, _spilling over_ with tears...her face was a heartbreaking mixture of shock, hurt, worry, longing, devastation. What did Liara do?! She never should have brought these, it was too much. Oh, Goddess! "Shepard, I..."

The voice of another person brought her back to the present, Shepard's eyes snapping shut as her hand shakily reached for them. Liara gladly placed the tags in her hand and then sat back. The Commander had certainly shown emotion before; for instance, after Ashley had died, she was very clearly upset, in mourning. But this... Liara didn't know what to do as she watched Shepard tightly wrap her hands around the tags and bring them to her chest.

_Hug her, for goodness' sake!_

Of course! Liara pushed over and awkwardly wrapped her arms around the woman. Bright red hair rested against her blue face and a few small shudders rippled against her arms - probably silent sobs. What was causing Shepard to be _this_ upset? Was it a bad reminder of when she died? "I'm sorry, Shepard. I didn't mean to..."

"I thought..." Emotion made her friend's voice a bit raw, thick. That was not a sound Liara was going to forget any time soon. The troubled tone that was layered underneath would probably haunt her. "I thought I'd never...see these again. I'm..." Her throat cleared as she gently pushed against Liara's arms; the asari relented and sat back. "I'm sorry. I just...how?"

Okay, this can be fixed. Explain. That will help distract her. Maybe. "They changed hands more than once. Do you remember Admiral Hackett? He gave them to me so I could return them to you. He sends his best and hopes you're okay." A slow nod and wiping of tears was her response. "...Was it a bad gift?"

Her head shook quickly. "No. I just didn't expect it. They're...exactly what I needed right now. Thank you, Liara." Shepard's hands slowly unclenched themselves from around the tags and instead pressed them against her chest with a flat palm.

"I didn't know that soldiers held their tags so dear." That reaction was _most_ surprising. It must be a human thing.

A few moments passed before Shepard spoke. Eventually she peeled her hands away and held the tags up to the light. "They don't. These are special."

Liara waited a few moments for more extrapolation; when none came, she very gently pressed. "How so, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I don't. You of all people might understand." Green eyes never left the tags as she separated one from the other and rested it in her pale palm for Liara to inspect. "Look carefully at this one."

She keenly inspected it, but it was _so_ damaged. After a while, she finally was able to read a few things, namely 'Kae,' 'rd' and '5923-A.' This was Shepard's tag, Liara didn't understand. "It looks like your identification tag to me..."

Hands silently switched tags to cradle the other in her hand. "And this one." The fact that Shepard never stopped touching at least one of them wasn't lost on her. Liara peered down again. This one was was even worse, with a few metal chunks missing. All she could make out was 'len' and 'C-759.'

After a few moments of contemplation, she had nothing. Shadow Broker or not, sometimes people just spoke too vaguely. "I don't understand, Shepard. They are different how? That is the last three digits of y-"

Realization dawned like a bright light. That _wasn't_ the last three digits of Shepard's service number. She squinted and moved closer. Upon further inspection, 'len' looked like it could've started with a capital 'A,' making that... Alen. Alen? Alen _ko_. Of course! Another moment of thought brought the now-Staff Commander's service number to mind. It did end with C-759. This was Kaidan's tag! Her eyes swiveled over as she sat straight. "Shepard, I am...so sorry. I didn't know."

Tears welled up again, but the human was already compartmentalizing it all. They did not drop. "Don't be. They're...a reminder. A very important one."

"Is it normal to exchange tags between...with each other?" Liara had no idea what to call the relationship: lovers, bondmates, a couple?

A loud sniff was followed by the first actual smile she'd seen from Shepard in...well, years. "No." Her hands lifted to pull the chain over her head, immediately tucking them under her shirt and against skin. The smile slowly faded as she looked around the room. "It isn't. We were...dorks."

Blue eyes blinked slowly. "Dorks? I don't think my translator worked there."

"Oh. Uh...it's a human word for when you're being silly, or...or in this case, overly sentimental." Her hand raised to touch the tags through her shirt.

If she hadn't seen the sudden crack in Shepard's composure only minutes ago, Liara would have probably laughed at the thought of Commander Shepard being 'overly sentimental.' Clearly the relationship wasn't one-sided like many suspected; after Shepard's death, Kaidan's desolate reaction was surprising, all the more because he tried to hide it...now she felt like she understood them both a little better. A quote from a famous human poetess floated to Liara's mind: _There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you._ This whole thing was tragic, just _tragic._ She frowned and rested a hand on Shepard's shoulder.

"I am so sorry, I didn't mean to turn a nice evening between friends into...this."

Shepard looked up to Liara with a lopsided, wry smile as she wiped away one final tear. "Actually, I think this is exactly what I needed. I can't really trust anyone on this ship to see the real me. It's like they don't care." She reached and poured herself a second glass before sitting back with a sigh. "Not one person, well, other than the Doc, has even asked how I've been doing. I _died,_ Liara. I was _dead_. And now everyone's had two years to move on without me."

Another one of her too-deep sips of wine caused a grimace. She never would learn. "Everything, everyone, I loved was just...taken away. I lost two years of my life." The hurt and pain in her voice was slowly bleeding away into anger. " _Two years._ We could've-" She cut herself off and quickly shook her head. "It doesn't matter now. Getting angry isn't going to solve anything. I need to shut these Collectors down, _then_ I can worry about...everything else."

There she went again: Liara watched as Shepard's shoulders straightened and she compartmentalized everything behind closed eyes. Her psychology report wasn't lying...it was remarkable how well she could shut everything out with enough willpower. It couldn't have been healthy, but everything this woman had gone through in the past few years would have utterly broken most sentients. That ability was probably the only thing keeping her sane at this point. The asari decided to let her finish in peace and concentrated on her own nearly forgotten glass of wine. It really _was_ good wine; she would have to remember its name.

Long moments, even minutes, passed in quiet companionship before Shepard spoke again. Her voice and face were already schooled back to the restrained calm Liara first was greeted when she arrived. "Have you done any anything ridiculous with your information yet?"

Ridiculous? The odd question made Liara quirk her brow and look over. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, you know." Shepard's hand dismissively wove through the air before taking another sip with the other. "Pulling a prank or something."

You never would have known that not even half an hour ago that same woman was weeping openly. Liara straightened her back and took a deep sip of wine. "A prank? Of course not! It is a serious position, Shepard; as I said before, give me five minutes and I could start a war. I cannot treat it or my information lightly."

Shepard actually looked admonished at that. She nodded quietly and set her now-empty glass down on the table. "Fair enough, I'm sorry. Do you have any new info on the Collectors or Reapers?"

"Unfortunately, no. I know as much as you. I'll do what I can, but I need to keep all my informants moving on their active assignments...it's much too hard to divert current resources. I need to recruit a few more people to place on that exclusively. I'm sorry I don't have anything yet."

A jaunty, fake-brave shrug brushed against the couch. "You do what you can with what you've got. It's not like you're holding out on me or anything, so I'll make do." Shepard sighed and rested her head against the top of the couch, the tip of her crown reaching the wall behind it. "I just can't wait until this is all over."

Liara politely finished her glass of wine and set it down before shifting to face her tired human friend. "I can only imagine how much you want rest. Ever since you rescued me, I've seen you do nothing but fight, fight, fight. Some day the fighting will end."

"It better." A wry, almost amused smile quirked the left corner of Shepard's mouth up. "I can only fight so long before I decide to just quit and find the best spot to hide out."

That was just silly talk. Shepard could never give up, it was hard coded into who she was. Liara said as much. "You'd never give up. You don't know how."

Another shrug as she sat back up. "Yeah, I know. But it's nice to threaten once in a while. It's...not like I'd have anything to hide out for, anyway. No family, nothing."

"If you don't have anything to hide out for, then what _are_ you fighting for?"

Shepard chewed over her answer for a long time, green eyes darting from Liara to the wine bottle, the ceiling to her hands. She seemed to finally settle with a simple, "I guess I'm fighting for us." She paused, then added, "All of us."

A curious answer. "That's...a lot of responsibility." _Very like her_.

"People are messy, awkward; sometimes selfish or cruel, but they're trying...and I'm going to make sure they have a chance." Her friend's voice grew more thoughtful as she spoke. The words were carefully chosen, but still heartfelt and a little sad. She really was a remarkable woman.

One that deserved all the respect that swelled in Liara's heart. The best Liara could summon in response was simple, even for her. "I hope the galaxy proves itself worthy of the effort you're putting in to saving it." She was rewarded with the trademark snort of a laugh.

"Me, too."

Liara's omni-tool chimed a few times, eliciting a rare and annoyed sigh. "Already? Excuse me." She stood up and tapped a few codes to read her urgent mail. It looked like one of her agents deep in the hegemony may have been compromised; that wasn't good. She looked over to her still-thoughtful friend with regret. "Shepard, I...I should get back to my base. I have a situation to take care of."

"That I understand all too well, Liara. Thanks for coming up." Bright red hair popped up as she stood and walked over to give a hug. Liara wrapped her arms around her and sighed inwardly. To be normal again, unbound by responsibility! "You helped a lot."

Liara nodded and stepped back with a wide smile, one that was faintly reciprocated. She'd take it. "I'm glad to hear that. Take care, Shepard. Don't fight too hard." A quick squeeze on the shoulder later, she turned and made her way back to her ship.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two, from Shepard's perspective! This is slightly longer, as I'm a) more comfortable writing from my femShep's mind, and b) she has some flashbacks. It gets a little emotional at points, but she's only human. Even Commander Shepard can have a small breakdown with a close friend, no?

Shepard sighed and straightened the effects on her desk one more time. It's not like Liara would care if things were messy, but _she_ did. The asari was a friend and things should look nice for friends. She walked back to the table and started on wrangling the cork out of the wine bottle; she never was adroit at that. Good thing she drank so rarely. At least two minutes later she finally had the cork popped, but it landed on her Sovereign model. Muttering curses, she rescued the plastic Reaper from its own wine-fueled destruction.

The cork safely back on her little table, she began pouring the wine. It needed to air out for a few minutes before they dra -

Shepard quickly twisted the wine bottle up, stopping the pour as she turned around with what amounted to her real smile these days: tight but sincere. Liara blinked and looked at her in concern, so she wove the bottle in her hand and gave a better approximation of what happy people were supposed to look like. "Enjoy the tour?"

"Yes. It's a beautiful ship." A tiny, awkward pause rang for a moment before Liara continued. "I ran into Joker, he seemed happy to see me; although... he did ask if I'd 'embraced eternity' lately."

Through sheer force of will, and pretty much only sheer force of will, Shepard managed to not outright facepalm. "...Of _course_ he did."

Liara smiled widely and gestured to the bottle. "I think he means well, in his own way. What wine did you choose tonight?"

 _Means well, in his own way._ Well, that about summed up Joker in one succinct sentence. Shepard let a small chuckle escape. "Yeah, he does. The wine? Ah, I managed to convince Chakwas to part with a pretty good one. I owe her another bottle of Serrice Ice now, though. C'mon, sit down." She plastered on an acceptable, amicable face and waved her friend over to the couch. "She says it's from 2165, apparently a good year for asari wines." The second glass filled as she sat down.

Thoughtful and poised: that's all Liara knew how to be. Shepard envied her as she sat properly and held her wineglass like a true lady...well, she envied her until the she remembered Liara was wearing a dress. Dresses were just stupid. The young broker's voice poked through her internal dialogue. "That seems a bit young for an asari wine, but the Doctor does know her drink." A polite sniff later, she set the glass back on her lap. "It smells wonderful. I also spoke with Doctor Chakwas. I'm glad she's doing well."

Shepard let herself sigh and sink into the couch. "Yeah, she keeps on kicking...and helps keep the rest of us kicking, too. So how have things been on the ship? Find any good juicy bits?" _Please tell me something trivial._

The asari sipped some wine as she thought, the silence being much more comfortable this time. "Well, I discovered that Hackett ordered the Alliance to not take you in for questioning."

 _That_ got a surprised jolt down her back. Questioning for wh- oh. For that. She sat back with a sullen sigh. "He did what?"

"Yes, permission was requested to take you in and question you as to your motives with Cerberus. Anderson sent a message assuring him that he trusted you, and so both men kept you from being detained."

Damn it all, if those two men didn't keep trusting and helping her, even without her knowledge. She didn't deserve such friends... A deep gulp of wine brought pain to the forefront of her thoughts. Bah! She'd never learn to _sip_ wine. "Well, guess it shouldn't surprise me that much. Those two are practically the only people I can trust in the Alliance these days. I'll have to thank them." _Wait, that's a horrible idea._ "...Actually, they'd probably question how I got that information in the first place. Maybe I'll just...pretend to thank them."

Of all the things to make Liara laugh, Shepard didn't expect that line to do it, but there it was: that quiet, nerdy giggle. Unexpected, but not unwelcome: _that_ sounded like the old Liara. It conjured a warm sense of the old days. The question she was asked took her by surprise. "So how are you doing, Shepard? I mean, really: not what you tell your squad to keep morale up."

Shepard was going to brush it off, but she had a change of heart at the reflection of her face in her own wine glass: cybernetic scars, dark circles under her eyes. If she could trust anyone to let her rant at her, it was Liara. "Honestly, I'm tired. Tired of dealing with Cerberus, tired of the Council ignoring me, tired of..." Her voice caught on Kaidan's name, somehow managing to not lose further control. She finished with a lame, "...my closest friends not believing me."

"Yes, I heard about what Kaidan said on Horizon. I'm sorry...but his short-sightedness doesn't diminish what you've accomplished. There wouldn't be a man, woman or child left on Horizon, if not for you." Liara's defiant defense of Shepard would have given her heart, if she could agree.

She sat forward and blinked as the movement jarred her reflected face into ripples. "You know the worst part about it?" Another deep sip, this time on purpose. Maybe the pain would help clear her mind. "Cerberus planted intel to _lure_ the Collectors there. Horizon was bait." _Alliance intel thought that Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a…tip this colony might be the next one to get hit._ Kaidan's angry voice echoed through her mind. Damn it, this wine didn't work at all. They turned him against her! "Kaidan...was bait."

The simple "Those bastards" that Liara tried to offer didn't help, but it was nice to know she was trying.

"They would've hit another world if we hadn't lured them there but..." She sighed. Truth of the matter was, someone somewhere really was doomed either way, but that did _not_ lessen the outright fury she felt about him being thrown into the mix. "I don't like it when people I care about get put in harm's way because of me. The Collectors almost abducted him, too." Shepard was tired of everyone telling her she was doing the right thing. Kaidan was the only one who loved her enough to stand up to her, even if it hurt them both. She tilted her head and looked up to Liara. "...Aren't you going to tell me not to work with them?"

For once, her younger - but yet actually _older_ \- friend looked guilty and lost. A blue lip was bit and her blue eyes drifted away. There was some horrible, small part of Shepard that was glad she at least wasn't the only person questioning. A few moments later, their eyes reconnected; the guilt was still there, though. "I gave them your body, remember? What...can I say? I trust you. I know you'll stick to your beliefs, no matter what Cerberus wants."

Dammit. Everyone put their trust in her too easily. She was still human, too. Liara meant well, though; she and Joker were similar in that. A quick nod and tight smile was thrown Liara's way before Shepard actually remembered to sip the wine this time. The nearly empty glass gently rested on her lap again when her friend spoke again.

"I brought you something."

Green eyes flicked back immediately and Shepard quickly stashed her glass back on the table. What could Liara possibly have to give her? She peered curiously. A good half minute passed with no movement or speaking...was Liara okay? Her brow furrowed. "Is everything okay?"

Whatever Liara was thinking, she was quickly snapped out of it at the question. "Everything's fine, I'm sorry. I was just reminded of something. Anyway, here you go." Shepard blinked and watched as the asari fished in her pouch for something. Whatever it was jingled. Metal? Maybe a holodisc. When it was finally pulled, she didn't recognize it at first. A necklace? What would Liara be giving her a nec -

Shepard's world came to a screeching halt. _My tags._

Those were her tags. _Her tags._ Her and Kaidan's tags. She couldn't stop the flashback any more than she could stop the tears near-instantly flowing down her cheeks.

_"What are you doing?"_   
_"I...have an idea. Where are yours?"_   
_"My tags? Here, why? ...Oh, we are such dorks."_   
_"I wouldn't have it any other way. I know it's hard hiding like this; maybe this will help."_   
_"Well, if we want to seal the deal of 'lamest couple ever,' we have to promise to always wear them."_   
_"Done."_   
_"That easy, huh?"_   
_"Only for you, Lia."_   
_"I love you."_   
_"I love you, too. Always will."_

"Shepard, I..." The soft, apologetic tone jolted her from the bittersweet memory. Her eyes snapped shut, as if that would somehow block the shock. Her hand warbled out; the visual being gone prompted her body to want to touch the tags. Seeing them was one thing, but feeling them would bring some semblance of peace...or so she was hoping.

When cold metal, twisted and cracked, met her chapped and calloused hands, something inside her snapped. Her hands immediately enveloped the tags, practically snatching them to hold against her chest. These tags represented her in every possible way. They were beaten, ripped apart, burned. They were the one physical link she had to her relationship with Kaidan. They were literally proof of her old identity, the one she was still struggling to reclaim. Despite all the odds, they had found their way back to her. Maybe, just _maybe,_ she could find her way back to herself again one day, too. Just when she thought she couldn't feel more vulnerable, soft arms circled around her from the side. She _knew_ it was Liara, but it really didn't matter who it was. Grunt could've been giving her a hug right now and Shepard would have accepted it without question. Soft sobs shook her shoulders as all the anger and grief she had stored up for her own death finally released for a few deep, shaky moments.

Liara's voice, even quieter than before, was much closer to her ear this time. "I'm sorry, Shepard. I didn't mean to..."

"I thought..." Crying always made her sound so hoarse; she hated it. "I thought I'd never...see these again. I'm..." Dammit, voice, stop closing on me. Shepard cleared her throat forcefully and gently pressed against Liara's arms, who immediately moved back. There, now she could think a little more clearly. Hugs always affected her, which is why she allowed them so rarely. "I'm sorry. I just..." There was only one word that could encompass what she needed to know. Did the Illusive Man have his hand in this, too? "How?"

Liara quickly explained, still sounding quite worried. She bet the asari's hands were twisting in her lap. "They changed hands more than once. Do you remember Admiral Hackett? He gave them to me so I could return them to you. He sends his best and hopes you're okay." Shepard wiped her tears and nodded. That made sense, and Liara always had good information. The fact that Hackett was even looking out for her in that capacity touched her deeply. Kaidan was right about yet another thing: Marines stick together. "...Was it a bad gift?"

Shepard very quickly shook her head. Liara could never understand just how important, how precious, these tags were to her. "No. I just didn't expect it. They're...exactly what I needed right now. Thank you, Liara." They were everything she used to be, everything she was before dying. Her hand slowly opened, opting in another indulgent moment of emotion to press it directly against her chest. It was remarkably comforting.

"I didn't know that soldiers held their tags so dear."

If she weren't an emotional train wreck at the moment, she probably would have laughed. Most of them didn't care much about them; hell, half the Marines she knew forgot to wear them plenty of times. She and Kaidan had only exchanged them a few days before the Normandy's destruction, but she could think of dozens of times they caught the other idly looking at or playing with their mingled tags. It was a small, sneaky form of staking a claim on the other. Her hands slowly pulled back and watched the crushed tags try to glint in the light.  "They don't. These are special." How could she explain all these meant to her? Shepard paused and tried to formulate why they invoked the reaction they did. It was hard.

A gentle question, one she couldn't blame Liara for. "How so, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I don't. You of all people might understand." Without letting go, she carefully separated the tags and laid one on her palm, holding it out for Liara to read. "Look carefully at this one." Silence fell over them, but it was a content silence again. Shepard was already feeling the cathartic effect of actually letting another being comfort her.

Liara sounded confused. "It looks like your identification tag to me..."

Even though the asari didn't see it, Shepard nodded for her own benefit. "And this one." She reverently exchanged them, the second and more wrecked one now cradled in her hand. Then she waited patiently. Liara was smart, she'd figure it out.

It took longer than she expected, though. "I don't understand, Shepard. They are different how? That is the last three digits of y-" Liara cut herself off mid-word and peered closer. Shepard sat there and watched her slowly put all the pieces together. Realization dawned and she sat back with wide eyes. Eventually her gaze turned back to Shepard. "Shepard, I am...so sorry. I didn't know."

For some reason that small bit of sympathy actually choked her up a little bit, but she was already back in control of her emotions. "Don't be. They're...a reminder. A very important one."

"Is it normal to exchange tags between...with each other?"

She sniffed loudly as she thought back again to that moment. "No." This time, she let it be a happy memory as she pulled the chain over her head. _Oh, we are such dorks._ "It isn't. We were..." She tucked the tags underneath her shirt as her eyes roamed the room, finally landing on the empty bed. "...Dorks."

_I wouldn't have it any other way._

She wished he were here.

Liara didn't respond for a moment. When she did, confusion laced through her voice again. "Dorks? I don't think my translator worked there."

"Oh. Uh...it's a human word for when you're being silly, or..." Her hand involuntarily rose to feel the metal poking through her shirt. "Or in this case, overly sentimental." She felt guilt begin to bubble up; she'd just dumped a lot of baggage on Liara.

Who made matters worse by resting a hand on her shoulder. "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to turn a nice evening between friends into...this."

One more rogue tear managed to sneak away and down her cheek - it was quickly eradicated with a swipe of her free hand. Shepard sent a wry smile Liara's way. "Actually, I think this is exactly what I needed. I can't really trust anyone on this ship to see the real me. It's like they don't care." The empty wine glass caught her eye. Hmm, more wine sounded good right about now. She tore her hand from its vigil against her collarbone and poured another glass for herself before sitting back and sighing loudly. "Not one person...well, other than the Doc...has even asked how I've been doing."

One more chug of wine made her wince in pain, but it wasn't enough to stop her. She was in full-blown rant mode at this point. "Everything, everyone, I loved was just...taken away. I lost two years of my life." Anger slowly built as she thought about what could have been. They could have taken the Reapers out already...she and Kaidan could have retired. Two years was a long time. " _Two years._ We could've-"

Her eyes looked down to her wine glass again, that haunted reflection staring back up. Reality sunk in: it didn't matter what she _could_ have had, because this is where she is now. An angry shake of her head later, she shut herself down. "It doesn't matter now. Getting angry isn't going to solve anything. I need to shut these Collectors down, _then_ I can worry about...everything else."

Eyes closed and she sat herself up straight. Whenever she needed to clear her mind, she just forcibly threw everything else into a small mental box. Her death, the Alliance's abandonment, the lack of trust between her and most of her crew, it all went into that small box. Dwelling on it did no good. The one thing she promised herself to never bottle up was Kaidan. The moment she stopped caring about him would be the moment after she died. Again. Still, having those tags was a huge boon already. She felt a little more complete, a little more herself again. When she sat back and opened her eyes, the tight smile she gave Liara had the tiniest bit more candor in it.

 _Make a joke, damn it. You're good at those._ "Have you done anything ridiculous with your information yet?"

Liara gave her a quizzical look. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, you know." She gave a nonchalant wave and sipped the rest of her wine slowly. "Pulling a prank or something."

"A prank? Of course not! It _is_ a serious position, Shepard; as I said before, give me five minutes and I could start a war. I cannot treat it or my information lightly."

Well, damn. That fell flat on its face. Liara was right, though: for all her jokes, Shepard took duty seriously as well. She nodded and set the glass down. "Fair enough, I'm sorry." _Okay, let's talk duty, then._ "Do you have any new info on the Collectors or Reapers?"

The blue head shook quietly. "Unfortunately, no. I know as much as you. I'll do what I can, but I need to keep all my informants moving on their active assignments...it's much too hard to divert current resources. I need to recruit a few more people to place on that exclusively. I'm sorry I don't have anything yet."

Damn. Figures, though. A shoulder rose and lowered with bravado. "You do what you can with what you've got. It's not like you're holding out on me or anything, so I'll make do." _More intel couldn't hurt, though._ Her head tilted back, crown brushing the wall. She felt so tired. "I just can't wait until this is all over." _One way or the other._

"I can only imagine how much you want rest." The soft clink of glass made its way to her ears as Liara set her glass down. "Ever since you rescued me all those years ago, I've seen you do nothing but fight, fight, fight." The reassuring squeeze to her shoulder was more welcoming than Shepard expected. "Someday the fighting will end."

She smirked wryly as her eyes closed. "I can only fight so long before I decide to just quit and find the best spot to hide out." A small pang hit her as another memory quickly surfaced. _So, where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through?_

One note of a soft chuckle echoed. "You'd never give up. You don't know how."

Shepard shrugged and sat up. "Yeah, I know. But it's nice to threaten once in a while. It's...not like I'd have anything to hide out for, anyway. No family, nothing." The next question was the logical step in their conversation, but that didn't mean Shepard had to like it being asked.

"If you don't have anything to hide out for, then what _are_ you fighting for?"

She mulled over her answer for a long time, eyes sweeping about the room. Two years ago, her answer would have been immediate and with complete conviction: for her people, for the Alliance. For freedom. But now? All those things had abandoned her. She really had nothing to fight for other than the faint hope that one day, even if she had to save the whole galaxy, she'd finally prove to the people she cared about that it really was her. That they'd trust her again. That wasn't the answer Liara was expecting, and Shepard knew it. Maybe a vague answer would be good enough. "I guess I'm fighting for us." No, too vague. "...All of us."

Liara sounded a little impressed. "That's...a lot of responsibility."

Mind as well go all out. If there was one thing she trusted herself to do well, it was BS speeches. Ask her to speak from the heart, and she'll inevitably screw it up by saying something stupid, but ask her to rally troops or make a heartwarming speech of hope and she could do it in her sleep. Liara hadn't heard many of her speeches, so it'd probably still have the same effect. "People are messy, awkward..." Flashes of Ashley awkwardly trying to apologize to Garrus after a stray comment, of Kaidan staring in shock at fellow L2s acting like savages, of human C-Sec officers tearing their shirts to help bandage an injured turian after the attack on the Citadel, flew through her mind. Humanity wasn't perfect, but they had their moments. "...Sometimes selfish or cruel, but they're trying...and I'm going to make sure they have a chance."

'Impressed' quickly became 'proud,' if her friend's tone was any indicator. "I hope the galaxy proves itself worthy of the effort you're putting in to saving it." Okay, now _that_ made her laugh.

She snorted and sat back. "Me, too." Before she could change the subject, Liara's omni-tool beeped. "Ugh. Already? Excuse me." The being called back to work Shepard understood perfectly. They were adults with busy lives. She finally managed to pop the cork back in the bottle by the time Liara was done reading. "Shepard, I...I should get back to my base. I have a situation to take care of."

Heh. _A situation to take care of_. Busy-people code for 'shit is going down.' "That I understand all too well, Liara. Thanks for coming up." She popped right up and hugged the asari. Both sighed, one last release before going back to their lives. "You helped a lot."

Liara practically beamed at her when they pulled apart; it was enough to elicit a faint but real smile from Shepard. It definitely was heartening to see glimpses of the excitable young researcher she used to know shine through. "I'm glad to hear that. Take care, Shepard. Don't fight too hard." One last squeeze on the shoulder and her friend was on her way out.

She waited until the door clicked shut before responding quietly to the request, hand slowly raising to press against her tags. "I'll fight as hard as I have to."


End file.
